“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
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My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
Are you a cat person or a person person?
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.