Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
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i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
Saw online –
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
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