[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
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We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed