Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
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Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?