I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
You Might Also Like
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
How your email finds me
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
I unironically love this joke.
Lmao 🤣
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back