“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
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This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
Xylophonist Shredding It
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.