Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
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Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
Why font matters.
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda