I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
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*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
Tony Hawk, age 6
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)