The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
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Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.