I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
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Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 馃檮
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I鈥檒l come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
My love language is deader than Latin
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
馃ぃ馃ぃ
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
Body: so tired
Brain: can鈥檛 sleep
Body: okay then, let鈥檚 pee every 15 minutes
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they鈥檝e been since last summer.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.