My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
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Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
just gave your address to some spiders
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.