Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
You Might Also Like
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.