You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
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Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
Good boy 😂😂
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked