Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
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I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
i’m sure it’s fine
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
Life is a suicide mission.
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller