me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
You Might Also Like
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.