Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
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CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*