People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
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By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that