my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
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I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
me adding lol on a serious message
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.