me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
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A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe