Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
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Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
the three branches of government
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?