Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
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Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle