As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
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Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie: