Pretty much! 😂👀
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Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
Tony Hawk, age 6
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
I just tested negative for patience.
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”