*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
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Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
Get off my horse you stupid moon
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one