So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
You Might Also Like
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.