Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
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Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
Miscakes
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi