Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
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May you never lose your sense of wonder.
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
when you don’t want to be too vague
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.