having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
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Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.