A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
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If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.