The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
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I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
🤭😂
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes