Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
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what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
the clam before the storm
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
🤣
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.