Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
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When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
Guys, I found it.
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever