“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
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$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.