Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
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sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
LOL
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao