Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
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“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.