When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
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[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
is this how new cars are made??
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!