When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
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JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice