My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
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My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock