Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
You Might Also Like
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.