“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
You Might Also Like
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
grotesque if literal: baby food
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
damn he’s good
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own