People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
You Might Also Like
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
The human personality is made of five key elements
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.