Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
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When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.