Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
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Pretty certain I can more drunk
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*