I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
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Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”