Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
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Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough