Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
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{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
I wanna be friends with this person
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.