If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
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TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??