Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
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ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
i’m sure it’s fine
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
Actually cracking up @ this
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
that wasn’t the question
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
Ha.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis