My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
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There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee