Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
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WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.